I don’t give a fuck about your political views.

Not even remotely.

You’re a Republican? Fuck you. Democrat? Fuck you. Green Party? How the fuck did you get here? Are you new?

Politics is not sports, and thank god, because I love sports more than life itself but I hate politics. Politics is what people do when they could be getting actual shit done, but that seems hard, so they decide not to.

Here’s politics: spending a lot of time waiting for your opponent to say something stupid so that Media Thinks It Matters or the Washington Free Whateverthefuck can leap on it like fucking Gabby Douglas. Arguing with people just to hear your own talking points and thinking to yourself, “I am so fucking smart.” Reading things only from a point of view that you enjoy and then occasionally reading the opposition and getting so, so mad. Thinking of yourself as a member of a political party, not a human being with ears and eyes and a case of beer in someone’s fridge that you need to remember to get next time you’re over. Drawing epic conclusions from a political party’s platform to create a War on Wildebeest. Basically, putting your own need to be emotionally satisfied by the daily news ahead of anything that’s actually useful.

In 1890s Germany (hold on, bear with me), people lived in neighborhoods designated by their political affiliation. Political parties had their own streets and meeting places and bars and dog parks*. And Germany WENT TO FUCKING SHIT. Related? Probably not, but who cares, because it’s politics, and I can say whatever the fuck I want! Obama 2012!

This is life. There are no “teams.” This is not the SEC Championship game. You know who liberated the slaves? A Republican. You know who invented the “military industrial complex?” A Democrat. You know who is fucking useless? Politicians. And us. Yesterday, I said, “Why are all Republicans so fucking stupid?” and at that moment, the ghost of William F. Buckley should have beaten me to death with a cane, because I’m stupid. By saying that, I basically made the Republican Party into Michigan State, and that’s not fair.

Some Democrats are useless twatfaces. Some Republicans are welcome to sit in my house and watch Criminal Minds with me. They’re all people, and just as likely to be as smart or as dumb as anyone else.

Here’s how “politics” should work: there’s a problem. One person has an idea to solve it. Another person disagrees. They argue. They argue some more. At some point, they come to some sort of consensus about what to do next, or maybe some people vote between the two options. At no time is either person deified as the second coming of Ronald Reagan or vilified as the Fourth Horseman of the Apocalypse. It shouldn’t matter that one of them is opposed to abortion or the other one is gay, because they’re arguing over whether or not someone gets a Metro stop, and social issues don’t fucking matter except to make someone mad.

If Mitt Romney wins the election, the sun will rise and I will go to work. If Barack Obama wins, the sun will rise and I will go to work. Now yes, parts of my life would change depending on who was the victor. Gay rights might be different. Health care might be different. But who knows? Mitt Romney might start hosting circuit parties in the White House, Barack Obama might become my dentist. In the general path of human existence, this matters on a level slightly above “the guy who built the Sphinx fell down” and slightly below “Copernicus said ‘Hmm’ to himself.”

So if you describe yourself as a “Whatever Party” first and foremost, throw yourself off a bridge. Then Media Whatever Matters could write a long piece on how Republicans probably shoved you, and then Redstate.com can rebut about how you were actually a secret Republican but were driven mad by the Human Rights Campaign, and I’ll set fire to my computer.

*There were no dog parks. Then Hitler came. Causation and correlation, whatever.


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